Monday Musings 8-24-20

Many of you know that my career prior to writing full time was in education. I was the Admissions Director and Latin teacher at the independent school where my children attended from Early Childhood through Grade 8. It was an accidental career. I’d planned on eventually finishing medical school, but when I found this school for my children, my own path took a detour.

My husband and I truly believe sending our kids to Meadowbrook was one of the single best decisions we ever made as parents. In addition to their stellar education, it created a lifelong community for them, and also for us as young parents and for me as a young professional.

Two years ago, the school building burned to the ground after being struck by lightening. It was the perfect storm of events - middle of the night storm with no one to witness, and several lightening strikes which started a smoldering blaze in the roof and fried the alarm system. It was a devastating moment in our school’s history, but one which proved to me once again just how incredible our faculty, staff, and community truly is.

Today, I stood with my former colleagues in my role as Board President to ‘bless’ the new building. In the midst of a global pandemic, I am continually inspired by the commitment this group has to the children and to the mission of the school. This place, these people, and the work we do fills me with hope, and I am honored to still be part of it.

A vision without a task is a dream,
A task without a vision is drudgery,
But a task with a vision can change the world.

Monday Musings 8-17-20

Every year in the middle of August, around now actually, I start to feel as if time is galloping away at top speed. The summer is winding down. The changeover to fall is in the air. Sure, we have some scorching days, backyard BBQs, and beach time left, but September is in sight.

Don’t get me wrong, I love fall. I love the crisp days, my renewed interest in cooking, the productivity in my work life. I love apple picking, football season, and mulled cider. I love the changing leaves, pumpkins, and dressing up for Halloween. My trepidation isn’t really about the change of seasons at all, it’s about the way I can feel time passing by in such a visceral way.

This year, I am torn between wanting to draw out time, and feeling a desperate urge to speed things forward. This hasn’t been the easiest timeline for me, or for anyone else on planet Earth. A resurgence in the virus is a very real concern. My inability to travel has directly impacted my career. I haven’t seen my two oldest children since Christmas. The list goes on. But, I am acutely aware that tomorrow isn’t promised and this moment is a gift, so savoring the here and now, mindfully choosing how to spend my time, and fully embracing the present with all its challenges, is how I am striving to show up.

“There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.” Dalai Lama

Monday Musings 8-10-20

Tomorrow my alter ego, Maggie Clare, is releasing a new book. Release day is always exciting, but also a little bittersweet and somewhat underwhelming. It would seem that all the hard work of writing, editing, and promoting will come to fruition on this one day, but that’s not how it works.

A good bit happens during the pre-release phase, and there will still plenty of work to do in the days following. That’s just the nature of the publishing beast. I’ve learned to celebrate this one moment for sure. After all, it’s a milestone. But, I’ve also learned to lower my expectations for the day itself.

Expectations are tricky. They imply that there is a satisfactory outcome or an unsatisfactory one, when we really don’t have much control over outcome.

When the kids were little, the amount of chaos around the house was pretty significant. For both Ray and I, two obsessive compulsive neat freaks, this was a challenge. But we weren’t the only people living in the house, and to expect four little ones to maintain an order that met our expectations was completely unreasonable. A friend suggested we simply lower those expectations. When we did, our lives became a lot less stressful.

I had all kinds of plans for 2020 with regard to book sales, travel, panels and signings. Despite the ground work and preparation, none of it came to fruition. No one predicted that a global pandemic would derail everything! While this year has been challenging on so many levels, I actually adapted my work plans pretty quickly. In this creative space, I’ve become adept at focusing on those things I can control, and letting go of everything else.

So, I don’t really have expectations for tomorrow, other than to appreciate I accomplished something, and I took another step forward on my chosen career path. Without expectations, I am free to enjoy whatever the results.

“My expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21. Everything since then has been a bonus.” -Stephen Hawking

In case you are interested, click here for Maggie Clare’s Tactical Solutions International romantic suspense series. And don’t worry, if this is not your jam, I’m working on a gritty urban fantasy novel featuring a vigilante lady assassin who kills bad guys in their sleep!

Monday Musings 8-3-20

I can’t believe it’s August already. I am torn between hoping this year will swiftly come to an end, and not wanting to wish away time. When the kids were little, this quote always spoke to me, “The days are long, but the years are short.”

The sentiment fits well during this strange time of Covid. On the one hand, it’s already August. On the other hand, it feels like we’ve been living in an alternate universe, in which time has slowed and we are stuck in limbo, for a very long time.

I’m attempting to keep my mindset positive, with mostly good success. I remind myself regularly to focus on only those things over which I have control - whether they are related to the state of the world, my own work, personal relationships, or my mental equilibrium. I can control how I treat others, my work ethic, and my own inner dialogue. There’s less of an inner struggle when I let go of the rest.

“You can’t calm the storm… so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” - Timber Hawkeye

Monday Musings 7-27-20

As I get older, my exercise routine not only builds my strength, it maintains my body’s flexibility. A bridge is designed to be flexible in strong winds - it sways so it doesn’t break. A flexible work schedule is often coveted by employees.

Flexibility, in general, is a positive quality. In this uncertain world, where it feels like the goal posts are moving minute to minute, the ability to think creatively, with innovation, and without fear will impact our experience and our ability to act effectively.

I’ve been spending many hours working with a team of educators envisioning how to bring children and adults safely back to school this fall. The collective positive energy of the group, and our ability to think flexibly, is helping us design a program that surpasses the recommended health and safety standards, yet still keeps the children’s experience at the center of our planning. We are required to consider multiple scenarios, and must design protocols to transition between these scenarios. Not an easy task, but as the plans come together, one of the most important qualities that keeps us moving forward is our flexible thinking.

With the current state of the world, It’s tempting to throw our hands up and give in to fear and frustration. But if we do, we’ll be stuck in that space, at least in our own heads. To a degree, flexibility is a mindset, and when we can embrace it, we may feel better about our reality. Things may be different, but we can find a way. Things may be complex, but we can find solutions.

“Blessed are the flexible for they will not allow themselves to become bent out of shape!” – Robert Ludlum

Monday Musings 7-20-20

The week ahead is daunting. I have a virtual book tour scheduled which requires several guest articles and interviews, new and different tasks for the writer’s blog I work for, and a lot of work with the Covid response team at the independent school where I am Board President. Oh, and I’d still like to make progress on my latest manuscript. It will all get done, but knowing what’s ahead is intimidating. Sometimes, I just have to dig in and push onward to the other side, and this is one of those weeks!

When I feel overwhelmed, I’ve learned to rely on my own slightly OCD organizational system. This system helps me feel proactive instead of reactive with my time, and it assures that I also plan enough down time if the crazy pace lasts too long. Over the years of trying to balance career, family, creativity, volunteerism, and my own mental health, I’ve come up with some principles to stay sane. I’ve written a lot about this, especially as it pertains to managing a career in the arts.

Since I am so pressed for time today, I’m cheating a bit and attaching one such article. I needed the reminders today, and maybe they’ll be useful to you as well!

Balance the Busy: A Writer’s Guide

For some people, summer is a relaxing time. When my kids were little and school ended, our schedule slowed down and I took advantage of that time to recharge. Now, not so much. My work heats up with the warm weather, and while I look forward to it, I also know those long, lazy days of summer are a thing of the past. In fact, if I’m not careful, long, lazy days anytime are a thing of the past.

It seems that everyone, writers included, are busy people, working to balance multiple obligations. Because we can, many of us work flexible schedules, which may translate into working all the time. We forget to shut down. We feel overwhelmed. We find we aren’t actually as productive or healthy as we want to be. Over the years, I’ve discovered some principles, proven to translate across careers, that help me stay organized, maintain balance in my life, and get things done. Maybe you’ll find them helpful.

Recognize Your Rhythm

Maybe you’re most creative in the morning over a cup of coffee, or late at night when everyone’s asleep. Maybe you feel super productive in the fall, but can’t seem to get out of your own way in the summer. Whatever the case, everyone has a rhythm – to their day, to their week, to their year. Honor that rhythm, learn to use it to your advantage, and recognize that it may change over time.

Keep a Schedule

Take time to organize yourself. I am an obsessive planner. I use an online calendar and an intricate system of notebooks and to-do lists to stay organized. To friends and family, my habits may seem a bit obsessive, but maintaining control over my time is the single most important factor impacting my productivity. When something unexpected happens – I’m sick, my kids are sick, my computer dies – I do what I have to do to get through, and as soon as possible, I sit down to reorganize. If I’m proactive as opposed to reactive with regard to managing my time, I feel less stressed and I’m definitely more productive.

Prioritize

There is always more to do, but not everything should make the top of your to-do list. Prioritize your daily tasks, writing projects, appointments, etc. Some things can be pushed off if you don’t get to them, but some things come with a deadline! Make it a habit to attend to the priorities first.

Mind Your Mental and Physical Health

When I was in college, inevitably I’d get sick as soon as I went home for a vacation. It was like my body did what it had to do to get me through exams, or a big project, or whatever, and then it totally shut down. I’ve learned it doesn’t have to come to that if I pay attention and take care of myself. Self-care is important. Block off time for the gym, a yoga class, dinner out. When deadlines loom or the to-do list is jam-packed, it might seem practical to bump one of these things. But self-care shouldn’t take last place, penciled in only after all the “work” things. Rather, it should hold equal importance. It has to. Much of the writer’s life is solitary. We’re alone in our own minds for a good bit of the day, and this isn’t necessarily good for our mental health. So be mindful to step away, seek out the company of others, and take care of yourself.

Just Say No

It’s tempting to say yes to every interesting project that comes along, especially if you are trying to launch a new career. Maybe for a little while, you do need to say yes often, but pretty soon you may become overwhelmed, or find yourself committed to projects that aren’t really the best use of your time. When considering a new project, I always sleep on it before making a commitment. Either my interest will grow or it will dissipate. If I’m still enthusiastic after a couple of days, I’ll figure out how to make it work. If not, I graciously say no thank you.

 The culture of busy isn’t going anywhere. In our time of instant communication, real-time information, and constant connectivity, we can easily become overwhelmed. A mindful habit of working with our personal rhythms, organizing and prioritizing our work, and paying attention to our own good health will help.

Monday Musings 7-13-20

Once in a while, my muse takes a vacation. When this happens, I might stare at the keyboard and panic, or distract myself by playing around on Twitter, or clean my sock drawer, or sort the laundry, or make a snack. You get the idea! Whatever the case, it’s disconcerting when the words won’t flow. I’m sure we all feel uninspired sometimes, whether it’s with our art or our day job.

I have some strategies that help me through these sluggish spots, when real life stressors are taking a toll on my creativity, or when I’m just plain stuck in a plot tangle. I use different strategies depending on the issue. So, my creative friends, here’s some of my best advice to break through a block if your muse in on vacation.

If it’s just one bad day…

Work somewhere else. Mixing up locations might be the jolt your mind needs to kick back into gear. If I’m particularly distracted by the stack of bills that need attention, or the pile laundry growing exponentially in the bathroom, I’ll take myself out to the porch or back deck. 

Take a walk to clear your head. A little breathing space might be just what you need. Give your brain time to relax or switch focus, even if it’s only for thirty minutes. When you return to your work, it will be with a fresh perspective.

Participate in a writing sprint. Don’t worry about writing perfect words, just write. Forcing yourself to write when you aren’t feeling particularly creative may sound counter-intuitive, but it also might break the log-jam. Even if you can’t keep all your messy prose, there may be something worth salvaging.  

When I’m struggling with this particular project…

Talk it out. If I’m struggling with a plot tangle, or I haven’t worked out certain big issues with my story, I’ll schedule a time to talk with my good friend and fellow writer. She’ll ask the right questions or give me a new perspective on my project, and we’ll laugh and commiserate together.

Write out of order. Usually, I have a few pivotal scenes from my story that anchor things. They’re mostly high-intensity moments or big reveals and I’m always excited when I get to write one of them. If I’m really struggling with my manuscript, I might give myself permission to write a juicy scene, even if I haven’t reached that moment in the plot yet. If nothing else, I have a bit of fun, and often, this is enough to get the words flowing again.

If you’re thinking about your story, you are working on it. I’m a loose outliner, meaning before I sit down to write a new story, I have a good bit of it planned out. I still leave plenty of space for the creative process to unfold while writing, but I like to have a roadmap. I consider this mapping part of the process. Sometimes, in the middle of the story, I have to stop and outline further before I can dive back into writing. When I’m thinking through my story like this, I am making progress, even if I don’t hit a word count for that day.

Plan tomorrow’s writing before you end today’s. This is my favorite trick for keeping my writing on track. If I leave off with a few notes on where I’m going for my next writing session, I can dive in relatively pain-free the next time I sit at my keyboard. It’s worth finishing up a few minutes ahead of schedule to add in this planning time.

Things are tough in my life right now…

Self-care comes first. You may not feel motivated to do kind things for yourself, but this is when you need to the most. Self-care doesn’t necessarily mean heading to the spa for a week, although that’s certainly nice! It may mean a fifteen minute daily walk with your dog, or a cup of tea on the porch in the early morning. Whatever you need to do to keep your head above water, do it guilt-free.

Remember why you love writing. Writing can be the catharsis you need during a rough patch. Worry less about hitting a word count and remember why you started writing in the first place. Maybe you can use your writing time to journal, or maybe you just want to escape into the world you’ve created for a little while. This may not be the time for aggressive deadlines or new projects.

Lower your expectations. If you can do a little work each day on your project, you’ll still make forward progress, even if it is slower than you’d like. Maybe just opening the document, reading through a chapter, and writing a few notes is all you can manage. That’s okay. Life hits everyone hard at some point, and sometimes all we can do is get to the other side.

Whether it’s one bad day, or something more, we can still make realistic forward progress on our project if we have a few tried and true tools in our shed when we need them.

Monday Musings 7-6-20

Today is my birthday. It’s the year before a really big one, so naturally I’ve been reflecting a lot about this past decade…

I ushered in my 40s by summiting Mt. Kilimanjaro with my sister and two close friends on my birthday nine years ago. At the time, I could feel my life changing around me. Instead of trying to hang on to something that was out of my control anyway, I chose instead to embrace the potential for something new. My children were growing up, some moving out. I loved my career, but it had chosen me, not the other way around. I found myself wondering what my choice would be if I could make a different one. I needed space to clear out my head. I wanted to connect deeply to the world around me, and to be utterly disconnected at the same time. So, I climbed. It was hard, really hard, and it was also breathtakingly beautiful - a metaphor for life I guess. I didn’t return with any earth-shattering revelations, but I did return with a deep sense of accomplishment and inner peace. A few weeks later, I wrote my very first blog post, which a travel and climbing magazine published - a sign of things to come!

As I wind down this decade, more change is in the air. My body feels age in a different way. All but one of my kids is an adult, and she’s right on the cusp. I’ve had to let go of some things permanently, like ever returning to medical school. Some ships have sailed, and that’s okay, because letting them go made space for other things. I’ve rediscovered my inner artist, and she’s building a satisfying career. My husband and I never really had a chance to enjoy being a couple before we had children, and we have that now. I have deep, meaningful friendships.

As I contemplate the next decade, sure there’s some fear. I think it comes with facing our own mortality in a much more concrete way. But I’m also looking forward to it. I have always lived fully, throwing myself whole-heartedly into my work, my family, the experiences presented to me, and I have no intention of showing up in the world any other way.

“Life isn’t meant to be lived perfectly…but merely to be LIVED. Boldly, wildly, beautifully, uncertainly, imperfectly, magically LIVED.” ― Mandy Hale

Monday Musings 6-29-20

In addition to fiction writing, I’m also the managing editor for a writer’s blog. Last week, I asked each of the bloggers, myself included, to write about their plans for the summer. How were they approaching their projects in light of Covid? How were they making up for the in-person events they would normally attend? How were they planning to refill their creative wells?

Their responses were varied, but there were a few things I noticed in common. Everyone was planning to look for new opportunities to connect. Everyone felt like they could actually write something this summer, as opposed to the beginning of the pandemic when most of us felt shell-shocked. Everyone was trying to adapt their own habits to meet this new reality.

There was also an underlying tone of uncertainty in our articles. None of us know what this pandemic means for us long term - personally, professionally, emotionally. We’re keeping the fear at bay by pushing forward, finding new ways to work, adapting. But, the fear is still there. Most of the photos we chose to go with our posts last week were a bit dark and ominous, even if the writing was mostly upbeat.

The sun is shining. We are attempting to find our equilibrium in these uncertain times. We’re thinking creatively. But the fear is still there. Or maybe we can reverse that sentiment. The fear is still there, but we are bravely attempting to navigate through it.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
— Nelson Mandela

Monday Musings 6-22-20

Over the years, I’ve learned to think about my creative life in terms of seasons. When I honor my personal, seasonal rhythm, my productivity over time is really good. It’s been an effective method. I create a lot of content in the fall when the days are crisp and my house is quiet. I allow myself a gentler pace during the cold, dark days of winter. I spend a lot of time on the business side of things during spring. And summer, well, summer is usually my favorite season.

My summers have been filled with conferences, conventions, book tours, and signings. Being with other writers or my own fans helps me recharge. Summer is generally the season when I remember that although writing is my job now, I still find great joy in it.

This summer, things are different, and Covid is already taking a toll on my professional life. But, I live in coastal New England, a beautiful part of the world, especially in the summertime. For years, I’ve wanted to spend the entire summer here instead of traveling, and this year, well, I don’t have a choice. So, I am going to look for the gift in this challenging time. I’m going to appreciate the longer days, the slower pace, and the ability to spend hours outdoors. I’m going to imagine I’m on a writing retreat and sink into my project. I’m going to let go of my expectations. Without them, I’m free to embrace the season in a new way.

“Challenges are gifts that force us to search for a new center of gravity. Don’t fight them. Just find a new way to stand.” - Oprah Winfrey 

Monday Musings 6-15-20

This week, my third son will turn eighteen. Having a relatively large family, our kids are a study in nature vs. nurture. Each of them are similar in many ways, and yet so very different. Watching them grow into young adults, discover their talents, and become independent, thoughtful, creative human beings has been an honor and pleasure.

This particular almost-adult of ours is kind and nurturing. We sometimes call him the baby whisperer because little kids and baby animals adore him, and the feeling is mutual. He’s the kid who notices when I need help - not with household chores necessarily, and don’t get me started on his messy room, but he’s there for the things that matter. “Momma I’ve got your back” is a line he uses regularly, and he does.

He’s a kid with a kind heart. In fact, kindness is his super-power. In eighth grade, he was paired with a first grade reading buddy for the school year. At the middle-school graduation, his “buddy” was in tears. RJ invited him on stage and held him on his lap for the whole ceremony, becoming this boy’s beloved babysitter for years afterward.

RJ was and still is a good athlete. I remember a particular baseball game just after he’d been bumped up to the next level of play early one Little League season. A boy from his old team, who had just finished a game on the adjacent field, noticed RJ. He excitedly relayed to his dad that, “RJ was a big guy and had gotten the call.” This little boy was chubby and short, wearing glasses as big as his face, and seemingly uncomfortable in his own skin. His sweet dad ruffled his hair and said, “You’re gonna be a big guy someday too. Want to watch RJ for a little while?” They did. At the end of the inning, RJ caught sight of this little boy and came right to the fence to greet him. “It means a lot that you came to watch me play. Thanks so much, buddy.” That little guy’s smile lit up the bleachers.

A neighbor once said she’d heard I had the kindest kids in the neighborhood, and after meeting RJ, she agreed this was so. It’s no small thing to be kind in this world, and kindness with the courage to act is even more special. Our boy shows us this with his beautiful soul. Happy eighteenth birthday RJ!

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention.” - Kahlil Gibran

Monday Musings 6-8-20

It’s been an exhausting year so far, and we’re only coming up on the half-way mark. There are days when we get out there and fight for the good, and days when we need to turn inward and care for ourselves. There are days when we feel we’re making progress, and days that feel stagnant. There are days when we can and should celebrate our own small accomplishments.

When I started this writer’s life almost six years ago, I had no idea where it would take me. In the world of publishing, there are many factors over which an author has little control. I learned very early on to focus on the things I could impact like improving my writing skills, the amount of content I produce, and the projects I choose. I also understand that I have to keep focused on my short-term tasks while maintaining a long-game view, and I should take the time to celebrate my accomplishments.

Tomorrow my fifth book will be published. This one is penned under my alter-ego, Maggie Clare, and is part of a romantic suspense series I’ve been having fun with. I know many of you follow me for my speculative fiction writing. Don’t worry! I’m making solid progress on my next manuscript - an edgy urban fantasy. But, if you feel so inclined to read a “sexy thriller” as my husband calls them, here’s the link: Run and Hide.

It’s hard to want to celebrate with the world as scary and volatile as it is right now, but I think it’s okay to honor those moments of personal accomplishment and joy. Thank you all for the love and support. It means more than I can say.

Monday Musings 6-1-20

Sometimes the work we need to do to make our world a better place seems overwhelming, like anything we do as individuals just isn’t enough. And in a way, this is true. Deep-rooted, systemic issues require more than our individual efforts. They require cultural, institutional, and sometimes legal reform, which doesn’t happen overnight, and takes a collective effort.

But here today, at my kitchen table, I’ve been thinking about my role as an individual, about the things I can do. I can listen. Really listen to people who have had a different life experience than me. I can do this without defensiveness. I can do this without making any of it about me. It’s not my turn for that. I can aspire to think, speak, and act first with kindness. I can use the power of my words to connect with people.

I’ve had the honor and pleasure of learning from other amazing writers, of becoming immersed in their worlds and their words. One such author is Jacqueline Woodson. She read an except from her YA novel If You Come Softly at a writer’s conference I attended years ago. She pulled me so deeply into her character's world that I emerged transformed. Her words helped me internalized the idea that I will never own certain experiences. They will forever be outside my frame of reference. But her words also helped me to understand. They made me want to do better, be better, and not rest in the comfort of my own experiences.

Step off a curb if a white person comes toward you Don’t look them in the eye. Yes sir. No sir. My apologies. Her eyes straight ahead, my mother is miles away from here.

Then her mouth softens, her hand moves gently over my brother’s warm head. He is three years old, his eyes wide open to the world, his too big ears already listening. We’re as good as anybody, my mother whispers.

As good as anybody.

- Jacqueline Woodson, from Brown Girl Dreaming

Monday Musings 5-25-20

Summer is just around the corner, and if you’ve been following this blog for a while, you know it’s my favorite time of year. I look forward to concerts, book events, Comic Cons, beach trips, and travel to see my older kids and sister. This year, none of that is happening. Of course, I’m disappointed and sad, mostly that I won’t get to be with my family in person, but I get that it’s what we have to do.

My husband and I have always said we should stick close to home in the summer because it’s the best time to be here, and yet we end up traveling for most of it. Well, here’s our chance! So, instead of dwelling on what I can’t do, I’m making a conscious effort to reframe my perspective and enjoy what I can do.

Summer in our home state is gorgeous, and we have a pretty awesome backyard setup, complete with pool, patio, and fire pit. We can gather here with our small group and be together. We can appreciate the sunshine and slower pace of summer. We can walk our neighborhood and sit on the porch with a glass (or bottle) of wine. We can recognize and appreciate our health. We can plant a garden. We take a deep breath. We can laugh and swim and have dinner on the deck. We can love one another. It’s enough.

“It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you’ve got.” - Sheryl Crow, Soak up the Sun

Monday Musing 5-18-20

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I often get focused on a particular word, either because it’s literary sounding and interesting, or because I can reflect on its deeper meaning. This week, the word is resilience.

In my role as Board President for an independent school, I’m working on a Covid-19 response plan to be ready to safely open our school as soon as possible, and to create contingency plans for the various scenarios we may have to face in this strange new world. In the course of this work, I’ve been privileged to communicate and collaborate with heads of school all over the world. Their innovative thinking, devotion to the health and safety of the children, and thoughtful approach is inspiring and gives me confidence that we will find a way through this world-altering event.

Every one of the educators I’ve spoken with - who are either working with distance learning plans, or, in the case of the European schools, trying to bring children back to campus - have said how resilient the students have been. My colleagues have shown exceptional resiliency and dedication. I see this resiliency in my own children, in the way they have found joy, camaraderie, and innovation in maintaining relationships, supporting their friends, and tackling their school work. I’ve found this resiliency in my group of friends and in my creative community.

Nothing is as it was, and it may not be for a while. But, I am encouraged when I’m able to usefully participate in finding a new path forward. We humans are resilient creatures, we’re creative, and we still have each other to rely on.

“Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can do nothing but scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.” ― Elizabeth Edwards

Monday Musings 5-11-20

This weekend I’ll be participating in the Writer’s Digest Annual Science Fiction and Fantasy Virtual Conference. My topic is on character development. Usually, before I pull together the PowerPoint presentation or develop a panel topic, I write several articles and take a deep dive into the research. This topic is particularly fun and interesting for me because I’m almost always looking at the world through a writer’s lens. I find myself thinking that everyone has a story. Their unique story informs their character development, and in turn their quality of character helps write their story.

It’s interesting to think about the nature vs. nurture debate when considering personality and character. What innate traits drive us toward our chosen careers? How deeply do childhood experiences impact our day to day decisions? But one of the most revealing questions I ask when developing my cast of characters is - what do they fear? The answer to that question is revealing. Perhaps a childhood fear, like never having enough to eat, informs a person’s drive to become an aid worker, or perhaps instead it drives them to steal. Perhaps an experience of being bullied in school influences the choice to become a teacher, or perhaps it causes them to lash out violently.

As I explore this idea for my presentation, I am watching it play out in the world. Fear is everywhere, and understandably so. Our fears run the gamut from worry that we can’t pay the bills to panic that someone we love will get sick and die. This fear can push us to say or do things we wouldn’t ordinarily, for good or for bad. Some of us lash out when we’re afraid. Some become paralyzed. But many accept that fear is part of the human experience, push onward, and try to do their very best to take care of themselves and each other.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
— Nelson Mandela

Monday Musings 5-4-20

Being a writer, I sometimes fixate on a particular word that I find interesting, useful, or simply nice to look at. These last few weeks, my word of choice is equanimity. The definition reads: mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. As May begins and we are now months into this unprecedented global pandemic with all its horrid side-effects, I find I’m constantly striving for equanimity.

There are times when it’s easy to maintain balance and inner peace, and times when it is much, much harder. In the midst of grief or stress or, say, a global pandemic, it may take all our mental energy just to make it through the day. While we may not be in a state of equanimity right now, we do have tools in our kit to help us realign. I’ve been doing simple, small things like a short yoga practice in the morning, an afternoon walk around the neighborhood, a cup of tea on my porch. Some days, I feel really good. Other days, not so much.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that my mental health needs care and attention just like my physical health. As I strive for equanimity, I recognize that it isn’t a goal as much as it is an ongoing activity.

“Equanimity is calamity’s medicine.” - Publilius Syrus

Monday Musings 4-27-20

I’ve used this space several times to talk about vulnerability. When I first started writing, and had to let other people read my stories, I was nervous. What if I really had no talent at all? Was I kidding myself? Did I have the resilience and mental fortitude to manage the criticism and constant rejection that comes with the deal? Would I run out of ideas?

Six years later, my science fiction series has won numerous awards, I manage a writer’s blog for a publishing house, I’m invited to speak on panels, podcasts, and webinars, I’m in the midst of publishing another series under a pen name, and I’m drafting my seventh novel. Progress. Validation. Proof that maybe I have the chops for this. And yet… that vulnerable feeling is never far away.

During this world crisis, many of us feel as vulnerable as we ever have in our lives. We might get sick. Someone we love might get sick. We might not have a job to go back to. There are so many things happening over which we have very little control - and they’re scary things. In order to weather this storm, we have to dig deep. We have to find a way to swim in the discomfort without drowning in it.

I’ve had to forge a new relationship with my feelings of vulnerability over the last several years. I recognize now that vulnerability is not weakness. I may feel exposed, but I do what I have to do anyway. I may feel afraid, but I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I may have a day when I’m so mentally and physically exhausted that I throw in the towel, but the next day I try again. I’ve come to recognize that vulnerability and courage are two sides of the same coin.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” - Brene Brown

We don’t have to pretend to feel good when we don’t. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. We just have to keep showing up.

In other news, Writer’s Digest is hosting its annual Science Fiction and Fantasy Virtual Conference May 15-17. I’ll be doing a one-hour presentation on character development. If you are an aspiring writing, this conference offers a lot of bang for the buck, and you can participate from the comfort of your home in your Star Wars pajamas if you’d like!

Monday Musings 4-20-20

One of my favorite things about the writer’s life, besides the storytelling part, is meeting readers. I’ve had the opportunity to sign books, serve on panels, guest teach, and make friends all over the country. A couple of years ago, I was signing books at the Big E, a huge multi-state fair in Massachusetts. It may sound like a strange place for a book signing, but our writer’s association had a small corner in our state’s building aptly named ‘the book nook’ where one author per day could set up. Turns out, it was a fantastic day. I sold out my inventory, ran into some old friends, and met people I still keep in touch with today.

One group included high school seniors and their FFA sponsor from a rural town in Delaware who were at the fair showing their livestock. I chatted with the kids, and the teacher bought my book. She gave it to the school’s librarian who got in touch with me months later and invited me to come to Delaware for some book events. I spent several days guest teaching in the English department at the high school, being interviewed by the school media department, spending time with the kids in small groups to chat about the writing process, and signing books at local town library events.

I still have a special relationship with that school and small town, and I try to go back every year for various events. This year, I likely won’t make it, but my librarian friend asked if the kids could send me some questions and I could answer them with various articles he’d share. The first thing they wanted to know was how I’ve been utilizing my time in quarantine, and how I’m making sense of what’s happening in the world. Am I more or less productive? Are the words flowing or am I stuck?

Here’s how I answered…

Most of us on planet Earth have had to simplify and take refuge in our homes. Our regular lives are on hold, and many of the things that used to fill our days are off limits. We’re living in one prolonged moment of pause. This extra time could present us artistic types with an opportunity – an opportunity to focus on creative things if we are so inclined. But, is that what’s really happening?

I have many writer friends, and we actually talk a lot about this. We all feel like we should be super productive. After all, Isaac Newton invented calculus while in quarantine during the Great Plague of London. If he could accomplish something so monumental, we should at least be able to crank out a few thousand extra words. But, that’s not how it is. At least, not every day.

This quarantine isn’t like attending a writer’s retreat, where we’ve purposely cleared our calendars and removed ourselves to some peaceful cabin on a lake in order to get our creative juices flowing or finish up that manuscript on deadline. Nope. We are at home, worried about our families, our finances, about the possibility of getting sick.

One of the things I’m struggling with personally is the feeling that I can’t be helpful. Years ago, I was an EMT, and I worked as a first responder in the field and in a hospital ER. Later I worked in education. If I were still doing either, I think I’d feel more useful. But even on a simpler scale, I can’t watch my neighbor’s kids for a couple of hours so she can get some work done. I can’t do a friend’s laundry who isn’t feeling well. I can’t bring over a bottle of wine and visit with a friend who’s struggling. I can’t do many of the usual things I normally would to support my friends and neighbors in a time of crisis. And we’re all in crisis, make no mistake. The world is suffering, and we don’t know what it will look like when we emerge on the other side.   

So, even though I have extra time, I’m not always in the frame of mind to use it.

Here’s what I am trying to do. I’m trying to find some sort of balance between setting a schedule that will accomplish something, and being gentle with myself. I don’t want to tip too far into non-functional, because that’s a hard pit to crawl out of. It’s easy to spiral into my own head, or circle the drain, as I like to call it, when I don’t have access to the things that keep my head in a good space. For me, most of those things are socially driven. I’m giving myself permission to breathe through the bad days guilt free. But, I’m also coaxing myself to set modest fitness, mental health, and work goals. They are watered down compared to the ones I had in pre-Covid days, but they still encourage forward progress.

Mostly, I try to remember that I can choose to feel gratitude for what I have. I am grateful for my family, for my home, for simple things like a sunny day and my cat purring on my pillow, for getting words - any words - onto a piece of paper. This is a strange and scary time for us all. I don’t think we should put pressure on ourselves, but at the same time, we will emerge from our cocoons and reenter the light at some point, so we don’t want to lose ourselves in the dark.

Monday Musings 4-13-20

During these strange and sometimes scary days, it’s easy to think about all we are missing, all that we’ve lost or stand to lose. For families with sick loved ones, this time is particularly awful. For parents trying to work, homeschool their children, and maintain their own mental health, this is an exhausting, frustrating time. For people worried about jobs or finances, the stress is huge. In no way do I want to belittle that reality.

And yet, I truly believe the only thing I can control is my response to what’s happening. So, today, I’m choosing to respond to this situation with gratitude.

I am grateful to be in a warm home with plenty to eat. I am grateful to be sheltering in place with my husband, who is also my best friend. I am grateful that my family is safe and healthy. I am grateful that this morning I got to practice yoga wearing my Star Wars pajamas. I am grateful to have friends I can stay connected with through the overworked internet. I am grateful to have a neighbor I adore with whom I can swap desserts, cookies, and bottles of wine. I am grateful that I can talk to my mom and dad every day. I am grateful I can see my older kids’ faces and talk to them from across the continent. I am grateful that my younger children are thoughtful, kind human beings who make it easy to be with them all day, every day. I am grateful that I can still do my work. I am grateful for my animals. Really, who is worthy of the unconditional love they offer? I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize what’s truly important in my life.

“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” – Anonymous