fear

Monday Musings 6-29-20

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In addition to fiction writing, I’m also the managing editor for a writer’s blog. Last week, I asked each of the bloggers, myself included, to write about their plans for the summer. How were they approaching their projects in light of Covid? How were they making up for the in-person events they would normally attend? How were they planning to refill their creative wells?

Their responses were varied, but there were a few things I noticed in common. Everyone was planning to look for new opportunities to connect. Everyone felt like they could actually write something this summer, as opposed to the beginning of the pandemic when most of us felt shell-shocked. Everyone was trying to adapt their own habits to meet this new reality.

There was also an underlying tone of uncertainty in our articles. None of us know what this pandemic means for us long term - personally, professionally, emotionally. We’re keeping the fear at bay by pushing forward, finding new ways to work, adapting. But, the fear is still there. Most of the photos we chose to go with our posts last week were a bit dark and ominous, even if the writing was mostly upbeat.

The sun is shining. We are attempting to find our equilibrium in these uncertain times. We’re thinking creatively. But the fear is still there. Or maybe we can reverse that sentiment. The fear is still there, but we are bravely attempting to navigate through it.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
— Nelson Mandela

Monday Musings 5-11-20

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This weekend I’ll be participating in the Writer’s Digest Annual Science Fiction and Fantasy Virtual Conference. My topic is on character development. Usually, before I pull together the PowerPoint presentation or develop a panel topic, I write several articles and take a deep dive into the research. This topic is particularly fun and interesting for me because I’m almost always looking at the world through a writer’s lens. I find myself thinking that everyone has a story. Their unique story informs their character development, and in turn their quality of character helps write their story.

It’s interesting to think about the nature vs. nurture debate when considering personality and character. What innate traits drive us toward our chosen careers? How deeply do childhood experiences impact our day to day decisions? But one of the most revealing questions I ask when developing my cast of characters is - what do they fear? The answer to that question is revealing. Perhaps a childhood fear, like never having enough to eat, informs a person’s drive to become an aid worker, or perhaps instead it drives them to steal. Perhaps an experience of being bullied in school influences the choice to become a teacher, or perhaps it causes them to lash out violently.

As I explore this idea for my presentation, I am watching it play out in the world. Fear is everywhere, and understandably so. Our fears run the gamut from worry that we can’t pay the bills to panic that someone we love will get sick and die. This fear can push us to say or do things we wouldn’t ordinarily, for good or for bad. Some of us lash out when we’re afraid. Some become paralyzed. But many accept that fear is part of the human experience, push onward, and try to do their very best to take care of themselves and each other.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”
— Nelson Mandela

Monday Musings 4-27-20

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I’ve used this space several times to talk about vulnerability. When I first started writing, and had to let other people read my stories, I was nervous. What if I really had no talent at all? Was I kidding myself? Did I have the resilience and mental fortitude to manage the criticism and constant rejection that comes with the deal? Would I run out of ideas?

Six years later, my science fiction series has won numerous awards, I manage a writer’s blog for a publishing house, I’m invited to speak on panels, podcasts, and webinars, I’m in the midst of publishing another series under a pen name, and I’m drafting my seventh novel. Progress. Validation. Proof that maybe I have the chops for this. And yet… that vulnerable feeling is never far away.

During this world crisis, many of us feel as vulnerable as we ever have in our lives. We might get sick. Someone we love might get sick. We might not have a job to go back to. There are so many things happening over which we have very little control - and they’re scary things. In order to weather this storm, we have to dig deep. We have to find a way to swim in the discomfort without drowning in it.

I’ve had to forge a new relationship with my feelings of vulnerability over the last several years. I recognize now that vulnerability is not weakness. I may feel exposed, but I do what I have to do anyway. I may feel afraid, but I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I may have a day when I’m so mentally and physically exhausted that I throw in the towel, but the next day I try again. I’ve come to recognize that vulnerability and courage are two sides of the same coin.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” - Brene Brown

We don’t have to pretend to feel good when we don’t. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. We just have to keep showing up.

In other news, Writer’s Digest is hosting its annual Science Fiction and Fantasy Virtual Conference May 15-17. I’ll be doing a one-hour presentation on character development. If you are an aspiring writing, this conference offers a lot of bang for the buck, and you can participate from the comfort of your home in your Star Wars pajamas if you’d like!

Monday Musings 3-16-20

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So much has changed in a week. The world feels unfamiliar and scary, and the very things we used to do to comfort each other are now the very things that may put ourselves or our neighbors in danger - personal contact, community gatherings, neighborly visits.

Several years ago, post 911, I wrote an article based on a reflective question that had been posed to my senior class at the Jesuit college I attended. How, then, shall we live? As we navigate this strange new world, I find myself thinking about it once again. It is a question for all ages, as relevant now as it was twenty, fifty, a hundred years ago. How then shall we live in the midst of a global crisis? How then shall we live when the future is uncertain and potentially unrecognizable? How then shall we live when we know that the most vulnerable members of our community will be suffering?

There are no easy answers, partly because we can’t foresee all the possible questions and repercussions yet. So, I’m left with some basic principles on which I try to base both my inner mindset and my outward behavior.

Live simply so others may simply live. I can’t remember where I first heard this little gem, but it feels so relevant right now. If we use what we need, but not more, there will be enough.

Fear is toxic. It’s so easy to become swept up in the chaos, to imagine worst case scenarios, but fear will not positively impact outcome.

This moment is all we are guaranteed. When the future is so murky, we are forced to live in the here and now. We can appreciate a walk with the dog, a dinner with our family, the sunrise over the water.

As we navigate this challenging new world, which may redefine our normal, can we consciously imagine how, then, we shall live?

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” - Rumi

Monday Musings 1-13-20

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When we were celebrating the holidays with my sister and family in Folsom this year, we joined them for a Christmas Eve service. The sermon was laugh out loud funny, poignant, and insightful. The priest said his favorite line from the Christmas story was when the angel instructed Joseph to “fear not.” He talked about all the things he feared, including, ironically, public speaking, and he shared how comforting and inspiring this one little line was for him.

At the start of every new year, I feel an exciting sense of potential. Time stretches out before me - time to fulfill the intentions and goals I’ve set for myself, time to spend with my family, time to travel. But, as I grow older, I also feel a twinge of fear. Disaster, tragedy, illness can sneak up out of nowhere. I’ve been around long enough to see it happen. Could this be the year something pulls the rug out from under me? Maybe.

I’m not a deeply religious person. I don’t like the saying “everything happens for a reason.” I think it’s simplistic, and to be honest, sounds really callous to someone who is suffering. But I do believe that in the midst of our life experiences, when fear makes an appearance, we can choose to be present, choose love, choose hope.

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.”
— William Allen White