Monday Musings 6-10-19

One of the great things about being, ahem, a little older is the different kind of relationship I have with my adult and teen children. I know I’m their mom, but my kids really are interesting, kind human beings full of integrity. As my husband used to say to them when they were little, “It’s our job to help you become people other people want to be around.” And they are.

Last weekend Ray and I were in Chicago watching our oldest graduate from Navy boot camp. This kid got his degree, went to conservatory, and was making a go of it as an actor in NYC. A few years in, he decided that life just wasn’t right for him, so he packed up his NYC life and joined the Navy. It wasn’t an impulsive decision - anyone who knows him well wasn’t surprised. He’d always considered serving. But, it was a big decision, a brave one.

The ability to truly evaluate ourselves and our lives, and to have the courage to make changes when needed can be really hard. It might mean making ourselves uncomfortable (I’m sure boot camp was pretty uncomfortable!). But when we have the courage to follow our intuition, we grow. So proud of you, Nick. You inspire me.

“Every moment of one’s existence, one is growing into more or retreating into less.” ―Norman Mailer

Monday Musings 6-3-19

A couple of months ago, I sold a short story to a podcast. It’s an incredible experience hearing your words read and interpreted by someone else. This narrator is a British actress and singer, and wow, did she do an amazing job! I just finished listening and I can’t stop smiling.

I love writing short fiction for several reasons: I can experiment with voice, point of view, and even different genres. Short stories only take me a couple of weeks to finish, as opposed to months when I’m writing a full length novel. They force me to pay attention to every word since space is limited, but I still have the satisfaction of completing a full story arc. And, as with my longer fiction, I can explore a theme through my writing. Quest Nine asks what we humans are willing to sacrifice in order to save ourselves from extinction. I know, light reading, or listening, as the case may be!

Thank you StarShipSofa, the Hugo award-winning podcast, for producing this story, and Andrea Richardson for her incredible voice acting. Please have a listen! Quest Nine on StarShipSofa

Monday Musings 5-27-19

So today I want to talk about rejection. I haven’t gotten a rejection letter in a while, but that’s only because I haven’t submitted anything new in a while. Rejection is a part of the writer’s life. I bet every one of us has a file full of rejection letters - from agents, publishers, conference planners, etc. Or maybe the feeling of rejection comes from reviewers or poor sales numbers. Regardless, if we’re working anywhere in the arts, we’ve heard “no thank you” more than once. It’s a challenge. We’ve put our heart and soul into this creative baby of ours, and not everyone loves it like we do.

I tend to talk about sports a lot in my posts, baseball in particular. Team play teaches us many lessons, and one of the most important is how to lose graciously. Loss and rejection feel pretty similar. Sometimes, in hind site, we could have done something differently, better. But sometimes, we’ve done all we can and we don’t walk away with the win, or the signed contract, as the case may be.

Losing has taught my kids how to shake hands and congratulate the victor, respect the officials’ calls, appreciate an elevated level of play, take an honest look at where they need to work harder, and finally, let go and show up on the field again the next day. They’re good lessons, and ones I try to embrace every day.

Monday Musings 5-20-19

So, I have a new book out in the world. And there was much rejoicing. And there’s also much angst. Will it get good reviews? Will it sell enough copies? Will it satisfy my readers? The answer to those questions is a solid, “I have no idea.” Hence, the cause of my angst.

Here’s the problem - I have no control over those things. I can’t make people like my story, I can’t coerce anyone into writing good reviews, and I can’t make people buy the books.

At the end of a game, we’ll often ask one of our sons, who is a pretty competitive athlete, if he left it all on the field. Meaning, did he give it everything he had, regardless of outcome. Did he practice hard with the team, stay fit, and eat healthy. Did he bring his best attitude and best form to the game? Because those are the things he can control.

I apply a modified version of this question to my creative life. Did I do everything in my power to tell a good story? Did I do my best to bring it out into the world and promote it to readers?

A few days ago, I got to hold EQUINOX in my hands for the first time. As I browsed through the pages, reading over my favorite scenes, I had a moment of real satisfaction. I know I wrote that story to the very best of my ability. I’m constantly working to improve my writing craft, surrounding myself with professionals and learning from their expertise. I listen to feedback from trusted beta readers, and my work is well-edited. I spend time building my author platform, communicating with readers, and designing marketing plans.

I’ve left it all on the page, so to speak. What happens next is out of my hands, and that’s okay.

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Monday Musings 5-13-19

I’ve met with several new writers over the last couple of weeks. We’ve talked about the publishing industry, writing craft, building an author brand, and anything and everything else we could squeeze in over a few cups of coffee. One message I try to convey to these folks is that no matter where we are in our writing journey, we still have more to learn, and there will always be more to do! Hopefully, with every chapter we write, with every new book we release, we’ll improve our craft and learn better, more productive ways to navigate the publishing industry. I’m striving to be better at this whole endeavor tomorrow than I am today.

I’ve been working in this space for just about seven years now. In that time, I’ve published three books, sold several short stories, been hired as the managing editor for a writers blog, led workshops and panels at conferences and conventions, and taught writing craft live and through webinars. I look at my accomplishments and still think, “I don’t put out enough content every year. I need to do a better job with my marketing plan. I need to attend more conferences.” The list of things I still want to do is endless.

One thing I have that the new writers I’ve been mentoring don’t yet is the gift of perspective. I understand that I’m in this for the long game. It’s easy to become overwhelmed when we focus on all the things we haven’t done yet, and when we create an unreasonable “to-do” list in response. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of “to-do” lists. In fact, sometimes I’ll write something on my list that I’ve already finished just so I can cross it off. Don’t judge!

But, rather than look at my list as tasks that I haven’t accomplished yet, I consider them steps in the direction I want to go. It’s a subtle shift in perspective, but it can move me from feeling completely overwhelmed to feeling productive. Maybe I didn’t hit a very high word count today, but I did finish the chapter I was working on. Maybe I didn’t design an entire marketing plan, but I did spend some time updating my social media accounts and answering reader emails. Every small thing I accomplish in a day is helping to build my future career.

I understand I can’t do everything all at once, so instead I’ve made a commitment to the journey.

Monday Musings 5-6-19

It’s release week! Officially, we’re calling tomorrow the big day, but here’s a little secret - the print copy of Equinox is available now. You can get it here: EQUINOX. The digital version will follow in the next couple of days, and the audio book by the end of the month.

If you are planning to come to the release party on May 30th, you can purchase the book from me directly, or you can order a copy now and I’ll sign it for you there.

I’ve said before that one of the most wonderful and unexpected things about this writer’s life has been the amazing community. The support I’ve received from readers, fans, and fellow writers has been humbling. It motivates me when I’m stuck in a plot tangle or otherwise having a bad day, and it is sometimes the only thing that keeps me writing. The drive to create is strong, but the all around insecurity we artists struggle with is sometimes an equally powerful force. Your support, whether it’s been a conversation in person, a note via email, or your presence at an event means more than I can ever adequately express. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy the last chapter in the Horizon series!

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Monday Musings 4-29-19

It finally feels like spring may have sprung here on the east coast. I cheated and spent last week with my sister in Folsom, where temperatures hovered around 85 degrees with sunny, blue skies every day. We even spent Saturday boating on the lake! The difference in how I feel, both mentally and physically, when there is enough daylight versus smack in the middle of winter is enormous. I do the things in wintertime to try and stay healthy, but for all that mindfulness, it’s work. One sunny day, with a few sprouting green leaves and the smell of cut grass, does more for my mindset than all the hot chocolate, warm fires, and homemade soup combined.

When the first burst of color arrives after a long, gray winter, it might not feel quite so magical if we had it all along. Don’t get me wrong, I’m slowly spending more and more time in the warm weather, and at some point, the move will become permanent, but I fully appreciate the lively birdsong after the deep silence of winter. Sometimes wading through discomfort makes the sunny moments so much sweeter. Happy spring!

Monday Musings 4-22-19

It’s official! EQUINOX, book 3 in the HORIZON series, will release on May 7th. If you’re relatively local, I’d love to see you at the release party on Thursday, May 30th. You can find more details here: EQUINOX RELEASE PARTY.

Last week I got to read a sample chapter from EQUINOX for an interview. Generally, an author will read the first chapter from their book since the beginning should offer a tantalizing hook to lure readers in. But I like to share something about my writing process with my audience, something that shows how I solved a particular problem with plot, or how I was trying to develop a character or explore a theme. I guess it’s the teacher in me! For the podcast, I chose to read Chapter 33.

For those of you who’ve read the first two books in the HORIZON series, you know this is really Caeli’s story, even though her male counterpart, Derek, shares an equal amount of page-time. In fact, it’s actually easier for me to write Derek’s scenes. He’s often smack in the middle of a dogfight, fistfight, or undercover operation! I’m a visual person so I tend to choreograph the action in my mind, scene by scene, before translating it into the written word, making Derek’s scenes fun and easy for me to write.

Three quarters of the way through EQUINOX, I felt like I needed to shift the story back to Caeli, ramp up the tension for a dramatic finish, and somehow get Derek offstage completely for a little while. Working out how to do that took me a while, and I played with several scenarios until I finally hit on the right idea. That pivotal moment shows up in Chapter 33.

So, here’s Chapter 33 of EQUINOX . I hope it entices you to keep reading, and gives you a little insider insight into my writing process. Enjoy, and see you May 30th!



Monday Musings 4-15-19

It’s the Monday morning after a con again. I can barely keep my eyes open, my back is sore, my car is still waiting to be unloaded, and there are piles of laundry sprouting like weeds from every room in the house. But my face still hurts a little from laughing so hard all weekend. My back is partially sore because we had a mini dance party behind our booth. My mailing list is full of new names, including readers and aspiring writers I had the pleasure of meeting. And, my good friend and I outlined our new works-in-progress during the six hour drive home, both during and after our stop for Italian somewhere off the Jersey turnpike.

Cons are a place where fans, vendors, artists, writers, and celebrities share space and celebrate together. If you’ve never been to one, and your tastes don’t run toward zombies, aliens, superheroes, mythical creatures, or spaceships, you might miss the appeal. But if you have a sports team, band, or a hobby you truly love, you probably understand the enthusiasm at least. As someone who is both a fan of all things science fiction (and zombie, alien, superhero, mythical creature and spaceship related) and a creator in that world, I’m energized when I’m surrounded by others who enjoy the same things. I’m inspired by it even.

One of the best parts of spending time immersed in the fandom is doing it with my fellow authors. Sure we’re promoting our books, signing, talking to readers, and working hard. But we also have long stretches of time to discuss our craft, encourage each other, brainstorm, and of course, stay up late eating, drinking, and being merry. When I’m at these events, I am reminded how joyful it is to share something I love with a community who appreciates it.

Below, evidence of shenanigans!

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Monday Musings 4-8-19

My oldest son left for boot camp yesterday. He made the decision to join the Navy several months ago, and now he’s left for his next big adventure. I’m pretty sure no one looks forward to boot camp, but he’s a little older than the average recruit, having graduated from college and lived on his own already for a few years. He’s worked hard to get himself into shape for the specialized job he wants to do for the Navy, and he’s ready to get to it. He’s ready for the challenge.

Over the years, my perspective on facing life’s challenges has shifted somewhat. No one likes to be uncomfortable. Certainly, no one would choose to experience real pain. But difficult experiences are part of life. If we didn’t have to face them, we’d never realize our own strength or capability.

I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro a few years ago for my birthday. It was hard - not Everest hard, but difficult enough that I considered whether or not summit day presented the same level of physical discomfort as childbirth. So, you know, it hurt. When my friends and I finished the climb, though, we knew we’d done something most people will never do.

If we’ve never survived that broken heart in high school, we’ll never understand that broken hearts heal. If we’ve never pushed through the last mile of the race, we’ll never know the satisfaction of the finish line. If we’ve never reached the summit, we’ll never see the view from above the clouds.

When I am in the midst of discomfort, whether the challenge is physical or mental, I can call up any number of moments in my life where I’m standing on the other side of that discomfort. I can remember the feeling of accomplishment, relief, or maybe even healing, and trust that I’ll find my way there again.

Monday Musings 4-1-19

I’m just heading home from Planet Comicon in Kansas City. It was a fun, entertaining, exhausting weekend, as all Con weekends are. I love hanging out with fellow science fiction fans and introducing new people to my book series. If we met this weekend and you’re new to Monday Musings, welcome! It was an honor to meet you, and I hope you enjoy my work. Please stay in touch!

At these events, I’ll often meet aspiring writers, wearing the same deer-in-the-headlights look I’m sure I had at the start of this creative adventure, asking for words of wisdom. My advice is always the same. Finish something!

Here’s a post I wrote a while back titled Just Finish It! You’ll Be Glad You Did. If you aren’t a writer, feel free to skip this part and check out the goofy pictures at the bottom!

 It’s important to finish a task. We know this is true for most things in life. If you don’t finish the laundry, you’ll have nothing clean to wear. If you don’t finish a class assignment, you’ll get a failing grade. If you don’t finish a project for a client, you’ll likely get fired.

 For writers, finishing our work is just as important. In this case, I’m talking about finishing a draft. Here are my top five reasons why this is really, really necessary:

An unfinished draft will never become a book.

 If you have no first draft, you have nothing to work with. A terrible first draft is still better than no draft at all. Maybe this draft won’t become a book. Maybe it didn’t turn out the way you planned. Maybe you’ve lost your enthusiasm for it and want to move on to the next idea. But maybe with patience, more work, and good editing, it will become a book worthy of publishing. You won’t know unless you finish it.

You’ll learn to write even when you don’t feel like it.

There are days when I really don’t want to write. I’d rather do just about anything else, like hang out on Twitter, or clean my bathroom, but I have to because this is a job now. What I’ve learned from finishing my projects, even the ones someone else isn’t paying me to finish, are good habits. I know that I have to create a schedule and stick to it. I know I have to fiercely protect my writing time and space. I also know I have to work through writer’s block.

For me, writer’s block has never been about lack of ideas. Instead, it’s been about losing my way with a story and becoming nearly paralyzed with fear that I won’t be able to find a trail of breadcrumbs to follow back. At the end of the day, every writer faces moments when the words won’t flow, or when we simply don’t feel like doing the work. We have to have the wherewithal to do it anyway.

You’ll know you can do it.

Once you’ve completed a project, you’ll know what it takes, and you’ll know you have what it takes. The biggest factor that kept me from starting my first novel years earlier than I did was the idea that I couldn’t finish something, that I wouldn’t be able to sustain the story arc, that I just didn’t have a whole book in my head. When I wrote the last line of my first manuscript, I knew without a doubt I could do it again. Finish something. Even if it’s terrible. Only then will you will know you can.

There will always be another shiny new object.

When I’m in the drafting phase of a project, all the new ideas want to show themselves. I think it’s because my creative juices are flowing and it’s like opening a floodgate! But if I let every shiny new story idea distract me, I’d never finish anything. Instead, if something really promising presents itself, I create a folder, jot down a few notes in an outline, and save it under my “wait your turn” file. I know I won’t lose the thread of the new story, but I also have the discipline to finish what I’ve already started first.

You’ll learn to get through the sticky middle.

Writing the beginning of a story is exciting. Making it to the end feels liberating. But the middle can sometimes get pretty sticky. Once you’ve made it through the middle, which can sometimes feel like getting lost in the forest without that breadcrumb trail again, you’ll know how to do it. Maybe not elegantly, maybe not as skillfully as you will a few years and a few more novels from now, but you’ll have done it, and there’s value in the experience alone.

Keep working and I’ll meet you at the finish line!

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This writer’s life is certainly an adventure!

Monday Musings 3-25-19

One of my sweet kitties died this weekend. I’v written about this guy before and posted many pictures of him on social media. He’s the one who always seemed to know when I needed a little extra love. One of his favorite spots was sprawled next to my computer on the kitchen table, sometimes even on top of the keyboard if he thought I needed a break.

The thing about pets is we know they’re going to break our hearts. Their short lifespan pretty much guarantees we’ll have to say goodbye to them before we’re ready. But the unconditional love they offer to us, and their quiet, unwavering presence in our lives makes the sadness worth it.

As hard as it was to watch my furry friend fade away over the last few weeks from kidney failure, I got to take good care of him and hold him when he passed. Hopefully, I gave him back some of the comfort he brought to me over the last couple of years.

RIP sweet Bede. You will be missed.

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Monday Musings 3-18-19

So much more goes into producing a book than writing the content, a fact which caught me by surprise with my first novel. I’ve written many posts about editing, and what a big part of the process it is. But, there’s more. To take a book from idea to publication requires the expertise of many other talented professionals. It requires writers to put their trust in these folks, not an easy thing considering how attached we are to our creative work. From cover designers to proof readers, we need help to get it all done.

Recently, I’ve been working with a voice actor to produce my books on audio. This process, like publication, requires someone else’s expertise to bring the project to life. Audio is a different medium than print, and my story feels different on that platform. To a degree, it reflects the actor’s interpretation of my words. At first, this idea made me nervous, much as it did when I first started working with a developmental editor. But now, as we get started producing my third book on audio, I’m just plain excited.

I’ve thought a lot about what it means to work with other professionals in a creative space, and how important those relationships are to the quality and success of my work. Really, the rules for working collaboratively are similar in any space. It’s about building relationships. Honest, respectful communication is key, as is treating these folks like the professionals they are. I can’t control everything. At the end of the day, I have to trust the shared vision we’ve created and let them do what they do best. Letting go isn’t easy, but I’ve learned sometimes I need to do just that.

INFINITY is now available on audio. Kudos to David Draffin, the fabulous voice actor, for brining it to life. Let me know what you think!

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Monday Musing 3-11-19

A friend of mine is writing a book. She’s had the idea for a long time. In fact, the story is the backdrop for an amazing product line of fairy-like beings she’s created and turned into a cool small business. She’s hesitated to do the writing for a long time, and we finally got down to the why of it over a couple of cocktails the other night.

What stops most of us from pursuing a dream - whether that dream is climbing a mountain, running a race, finishing a degree, or writing a book - is often fear. Sure, we can make up excuses. I don’t have time, I’m not in shape, I’m not really a writer. Those things may all be true, but for me anyway, the thing that froze me in my tracks before I put one word on a page, was absolutely fear. I didn’t start writing until I was forty years old because I was afraid I really wasn’t as talented as people thought, I wouldn’t be able to finish what I started, and my stories wouldn’t be any good. And the biggest fear of all was that by putting my writing into the world I’d be exposing some sensitive, private pieces of myself.

I think the only way to counter fear is by putting one foot in front of the other. When we do this for long enough, we can look back and track our movements. When we commit to doing something toward our dream every day, we will make progress. Our fear may tell us we aren’t good enough, we’ll never finish, or that others may judge us, but we can make a choice to do our thing anyway.

At the end of the day, what matters most may be our decision to admit we’re afraid and still take that first step forward.

Monday Musings 3-4-19

Last week I spent a couple of hours presenting the Horizon series to an interested third party. It was so much fun to talk about the story arc I’d created, my beloved characters and how they’d developed over time, and the major themes I was interested in exploring through my writing.

When I finished, he asked me whether I’d considered making different choices around particular plot points, or taking any of the action in a different direction. Essentially, he wanted to know how I decided which choices were the right ones for my story. From that conversation, I wrote a blog post titled Have You Lost the Plot? While the post focuses on writing craft, and how to make sure a manuscript doesn’t veer too far from the intended story, I realized I could have easily been talking about life.

Living intentionally is a bit like working on a manuscript. As we craft the narrative of our own lives, we have to have a vision for our story. We have to make choices that support this vision. And, we have to allow room for the unexpected plot twists that will inevitably take us by surprise.

When I feel like I’ve lost the plot, so to speak, it usually means I need to adjust my choices so they better support the story I want to tell.

Monday Musings 2-25-19

Equinox is finished! It’s a strange feeling indeed to have completed the last book in this series, a series I’ve been working on for over six years. I’ve lived in this made-up world, fallen in love with the characters, put them through some tough stuff, and now it’s time to say goodbye. It’s bittersweet, but it’s time.

As I get older, I’ve experienced moving on in many areas of my life. From changing jobs, to moving houses, to watching kids go off to college, letting go is part of the deal, and sometimes knowing when to let go is the trick.

My style, with writing, with the other work I’ve done over the years, with my home life, is to fully invest. I throw my whole self into the experience. I’m all in. I make mistakes, I learn, I grow. But because I’ve given it my full attention, when it’s time to move on, I usually feel ready. I may be nostalgic, but generally, I don’t have regrets.

When I typed “the end” on the last page, it was with a little bit of sadness but also a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I’ve worked hard to improve my craft over these last six years. I’ve learned a ton about the publishing industry. I’ve been invited to teach what I’ve learned. Most importantly, with these books, I think I’ve told a good story.

Equinox will release on May 7th. I hope you enjoy!

Monday Musings 2-18-19

I’ve been working on Equinox edits for a couple of weeks now, and if I want to make my release deadline, I have to keep my nose down and finish. For the last three days, I haven’t moved much from my spot on the couch. There are printed documents strewn everywhere, laundry piled on the kitchen table, and I’m wearing the same pajamas I had on three days ago.

It’s funny, but I don’t really mind. I know this state of suspended reality isn’t going to last. Eventually, the rest of my life will need to be tended to and I’ll be more than ready to get back to it. For now, though, my full focus is on finishing this story and I’ve enjoyed giving it my full attention for the home stretch.

This feeling of being so connected to something you’ve made, and realizing you’re almost ready to share it with the world, is a strange and wonderful part of the creative process. It’s also a time when I know most writers and artists feel pretty vulnerable. We’ve poured ourselves into our work and we have no idea how that work will be received. When I finished writing my first novel, Horizon, I wrote an entire blog post on this subject: Handle with Care. Here’s a little snippet that captures the sentiment:

Any artist in any field understands that to share our work is to be vulnerable. We’ve risked opening our hearts to strangers - with words, in images, with a paintbrush, on a stage. We’ve put something of our private selves out into the world. Even my stories, full of spaceships and evil villains, myths and magic, have some of the real “me” in them. People who know me well will recognize those pieces. But it’s worth it to tell the story. And I’m learning to make peace with the discomfort.

As I finish this last round of edits for the last book in this series, I’m more confident in myself as a writer and in my craft. My skin is definitely thicker when it comes to criticism, but there’s still a moment of hesitation, a bit of discomfort and fragility. What I’ve learned, though, is it’s a pretty universal feeling among us artsy types. When I’m feeling it, I have a whole community of people who encourage me. When I have a chance to offer that encouragement back, I do. And I really am learning to make peace with the discomfort.

Monday Musings 2-4-19

On New Year's Eve this year I went to a dance party with my husband and some friends. I literally danced for hours. Ray, who would have much preferred to be on the stage with his guitar, humored me by filling my champagne glass and letting me shake and twirl all night long.

I got my first pair of ballet slippers when I was seven, scratched up the kitchen floor with my tap shoes at ten, and performed straight through college. Now, with the exception of weddings, I rarely dance at all. Turns out, I really miss it. Yesterday I joined a gym that offers Salsa and Zumba and all kinds of other 'dancey' classes. Today I gave one a try. So much FUN! Loud music, easy choreography, sweaty bodies. What could be better?

I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize I've missed this, or to remember how important it is to do something I love, simply because I love it. I think we all get caught up in our work, in our families, in running our households and businesses. We may even enjoy all these things most days. But, this isn't the same thing as doing something we enjoy for no practical reason whatsoever. Maybe it's time to give ourselves permission to do just that.

Monday Musings 1-28-19

Sometimes I feel stuck - and the feeling is the same whether I'm stuck around a plot tangle in my book or stuck in a slump with my fitness routine. I'm uninspired, sluggish, and maybe a little grumpy. You probably know the feeling?

Sometimes the winter contributes, with the short days, gray skies, and cold temperatures. If you've been reading these Monday Musings for a while, you can probably detect a pattern. I start whining about this stuff in the middle of winter or in the middle of editing. Right now, I've got both going on at the same time and I can barely tolerate myself!

Last week, I talked about working through the hard days, about keeping my nose down and doing the work. But when is a different approach appropriate? When is it okay to admit we're tired and we need a break. That we need to take a day off. That maybe binge watching Netflix on a Sunday instead of taking down the holiday decorations is the right choice? I guess I'd say the answer is - when we need to. There will always be another deadline, another load of laundry, another mile to run.

I'm in California visiting my sister this week. I always enjoy my time out here, mostly because I miss her and we get to spend hours of uninterrupted girl time, but also because I get a lot of work done when I'm here. Yesterday, we stayed in our pajamas all day, read, binged Netflix, and drank a few bottles of wine. It was a glorious day full of doing absolutely nothing productive, and it was exactly what we both needed to be ready for the week. 

In a culture that reveres busy, it has to be okay to step off the treadmill once in a while to recharge. It has to be okay to value balance.